Presented Without Comment

(Source: Buzzfeed)

What The Guy From Nerf Herder Is Doing These Days

Seems like a logical progression from 'Nosering Girl'.

Things I Heard On TV

Girl (extremely serious): You mean the oldest vampire in the history of time is coming after me?

This Guy Is In Midseason Form

Full extension to prevent anyone from getting hit and he doesn't even spill a drop! Try telling me anyone on the Astros could do that. Someone get this man a contract.

Great Moments In Conversing With Dani While She's Half Asleep

Her: What time is it?

Me: Ten after seven.

Her: You've gotta get going soon.

Me (Looking at clock): Quarter after seven.

Her: Oh. You're okay then.

Baseball Storytime!

Wait, don't leave! This one's fun! And also short! Promise!

Last night Yankees pitcher Javier Vazquez, attempting to pitch well enough to be included on the team's postseason roster, hit three straight batters with pitches. Which, it turns out, ties a record for consecutive hit batters set by Dock Ellis in 1974. Dock Ellis is also famous for throwing a no-hitter while on acid. Yes, that sort of acid. Apparently in 1974, someone on the Reds called the Pirates, Ellis' team, dumb. Ellis said to a teammate that he would hit every one of them. The teammate bet him a steak (And a good one at that) he wouldn't. The teams played near the end of the season, and Ellis decided his teammates had lost their aggresiveness. So he took things up a notch. Before the game he took several uppers, then went out and hit the first three batters of the game. He walked the fourth, not for a lack of effort, but because the batter dodged the four straight pitches that were thrown at him. After the fifth batter dodged two straight beanballs, Ellis' manager removed him from the game. Even though it wasn't technically the whole Reds team, Ellis' teammate payed up on the bet. Ah, the Seventies.

So what was the point of all this? I don't remember. But congratulations, Javy Vazquez.

Were You Aware Of It?

Hanukkah pronounced backwards is 'hakuna', famously used in Disney's The Lion King. There's a 'Jews control the mass media' conspiracy theory in here somewhere.

Playing Literature Catch-Up

Here now, reviews of the books I've read since I last wrote a full review, in order, all in 25 words or less. Why not?

In case you're easily confused: Book - Author - Words

The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle - Haruki Murakami - Murakami is the man. Now if only someone would return Kafka on the Shore to the library. You should read this book.

Lost in the Funhouse - John Barth - Connected short stories, all about writing said stories. Witty, frustrating, and better than the premise sounds.

Great Days - Donald Barthelme - More of the same from the master of the modern short story. But before trying this book, read 'The School', the best short story ever.

You Bright and Risen Angels - A completely insane and madcap telling of the war between bugs and electricity. Insects or computer glitches? Who cares if it's this much fun?

What I Talk About When I Talk About Running - Murakami - I can't read when I run, so I don't. Run, that is.

And with that tossed-off bit above, we're up to date. Hooray and stuff!

21 Guns

The new Green Day single (Which doubles as the title of this post) is now out. And the vocal melody during the verses is the same as the melody to Heart of Gold by Neil Young. Honestly, Green Day. Did you think we wouldn't notice?

What Seattle Shouldn't Do

I'll keep this short. It's for you, Ben. At the trade deadline, the Seattle Mariners are technically in contention, but are a long shot to make the playoffs. They have gotten good pitching out of middling-to-bad pitchers (Felix Hernandez excepted. He's good or something), primarily due to the fact that they play excellent defense, which can only improve now that Yuniesky Betancourt has been exiled to Kansas City. However, the Mariners' problem is that they can't hit. Especially against right-handed pitchers, who they cannot touch. They are the fourth-worst batting team in baseball, the reason being that they have many unskilled regular batters, 7 of whom are right-handed. What the Mariners need is a competent left-handed bat. They're unlikely to get it at this point, but any pitching that isn't young or nailed down should be shipped out to try to achieve this, as the M's defense will make whatever dreck they throw out on the mound look serviceable (Non-Carlos Silva division, of course). Trading for Roy Halladay would make less sense for the Mariners than it would for almost any other team in the majors. Sorry Ben.

Note - This was originally going to be called 'No Cousin Ben, You Are Wrong' when I first intended to write it two weeks ago. I'm working 60 hours of construction each week. I'm tired. My bad. Anyway, the title was an obscure FJM reference. If you like your sports analysis hilarious and obscene, Google that one. They're now sadly finished, but they're still missed.

Blog Layout

The layout seems to have changed for some reason, and I have absolutely no idea how to get it to go back. If I can figure it out, it will be changed. I suspect it's the fault of the post directly below this one. Also, comment moderation is off on old posts, because I found that option while trying to change the layout of the blog.

I am the least tech-savvy person to ever work in tech support.

Edit - I figured it out. So, ummmmm, you can ignore this post now. Delete it? What?

Edit again - Ben says he's having some problems with the text size. It looks fine to me. If you're having any problems with it, throw a comment up here for me. Then I guess I'll learn HTML or something. If you're not having any problems with it, I don't know. Send me some money or something.

Weighing In On Raul Ibanez

So there's been quite a bit of controversy lately about a blog post that was written featuring both the name Raul Ibanez (Left fielder for the Philadelphia Phillies) and the word steroids (If you'd like a thorough review of the issue, you can find one here). Being the most notable blogger in the history of the internet, I feel compelled to put my two cents in on this less-timely-than-it-was-last-week topic. So, just to help clear the issue up, I have heard from my sources that Raul Ibanez has never bought steroids, as he prefers to manufacture his own.

Sunday Morning is Biscuits and Gravy Time!

So no, I'm not dead yet. Though based on breakfast, I'm evidently working on it (Literally. It's time to add the buttermilk to the biscuit dough). On the upside, I do have internet once again. Book review coming later.

Important Things I've Learned From Airlines

To get to Milwaukee from Vermont, you need to go through Georgia. Should be a fun day.

Awesome Graphics

During Sunday night's NBA playoff game between the Miami Heat and the Atlanta Hawks, just after halftime, TNT decided to drop some distilled wisdom on we, the general viewing public. As the quarter started, the screen showed "TNT's World of Warcraft (Yes! Really!) Keys to the Game: Miami Heat. Key 1: Someone else needs to show up." Seriously. That was the key. TNT evidently has a lot of faith in the Heat. And since the Hawks were winning 62-39 at the time, perhaps they were correct.

Comment time: Who do you think they were thinking would need to show up? I'll go with Butch Cassidy. At least it makes more sense than the graphic.

Prep School

My younger brother Isaac (Most of you probably know him already. He goes by Lemming, for those of you who don't) just got accepted to a private school starting next year. So what I'd like to do is have a congratulatory comment thread for him here. I'll start: Isaac, great job getting into private school, and good luck on your tryouts for the Crew team.

Awesomeness

For those of you who don't follow or care about sports, Matt Millen is the former president of the Detroit Lions football team. He was fired this year after holding the position for the past eight, during which time he took a team that missed the playoffs by a game the year before his hiring and shepherded them to a 31-97 record. For obvious reasons, people in Detroit are still not overly happy with Millen. After his firing this past season (During which the Lions became the first team ever to go 0-16), NBC, showing the type of foresight typically associated with intoxicated teenagers in movies who stop the car to pick up someone holding a bloody knife, hired Millen to comment on football for them. This decision is even more mystifying than the Lions employing him for eight years. But that is not the point. During the Super Bowl, NBC featured Millen in its pregame show. Throughout most of the country, this was broadcast normally. However, in Detroit any appearance of Millen's head on-screen was accompanied by the following disclaimer:

Matt Millen was president of the Lions for the worst eight-year run in the history of the NFL. Knowing his history with the team, is there a credibility issue as he now serves as an analyst for NBC Sports?

As Detroit often finds itself the butt of national jokes, it seems fair to give them credit when it's deserved. So: Well played, Detroit. Well played.

(Quote from the Detroit Free Press)

Coming Attractions

This sentence, and many others, will be contained within the next post, which is a review of a dance performance:

I like shiny objects.

So stick around!

Back To Business

Been hectic in these parts. That's the only (weak) excuse that's forthcoming. Let's do this.

I Have A Follower

Does that make this some kind of a cult?

God I hope so.