January 8, 1976: Born.
January 9, 1976: Cries too hard, strains rib muscle.
July 10, 1982: Falls off bicycle, breaks collarbone.
September 21, 1983: Eats tainted paste in art class. Food poisoning.
February 3, 1992: Buys first car. Runs over own foot.
May 21, 1994: Just standing there. Collapsed lung.
Later in 1994: Drafted by the Boston Red Sox. Shakes hands with club president. Crushed pinky finger.
July 5th, 1996: Oversleeps and misses team bus. Presumed dead.
Mid-1998: Called up to the major leagues by the Montreal Expos. Cries tears of joy over achieving a lifelong dream. Detached optical nerve.
Late 1998: Gives up Mark McGwire's 70th home run of the year. Bruised ego.
Januard 23rd, 2000: Explores Montreal. Frostbite.
2002: Traded to Florida Marlins. Heatstroke.
August 5th, 2003: Explores Everglades, known for its vast population of mosquitoes. Malaria.
2005: Wins 18 games, becomes a free agent. Signs 4 year, $39.95 million deal with the New York Yankees. Strains tendon in wrist while signing. Blames non-ergonomic pen.
Later 2005: Strained shoulder. To the disabled list!
Spring Training, 2006: Bruised buttocks. DL (This one is true).
August 15th, 2006: Breaks two ribs in an auto accident. He doesn't inform the team for two weeks. This leads to the Yankees hiring a private investigator to try to find some dirt on Pavano that will allow them to void his contract. The investigator fails, but still has a higher VORP than Pavano on the year.
May 23, 2007: Tommy John surgery.
October 2008: Becomes a free agent having pitched a total of 26 games for the Yankees over the previous 4 years. Slips on banana peel. Bruised buttocks again.
April 19, 2009: Starts against the Yankees for his new team, the Cleveland Indians. Has a perfect game going through 3 innings. Head falls off.
Day of the Dead: Comes back as zombie. Chainsaw.