Sunday, April 19, 2009

Carl Pavano: A Timeline

January 8, 1976: Born.

January 9, 1976: Cries too hard, strains rib muscle.

July 10, 1982: Falls off bicycle, breaks collarbone.

September 21, 1983: Eats tainted paste in art class. Food poisoning.

February 3, 1992: Buys first car. Runs over own foot.

May 21, 1994: Just standing there. Collapsed lung.

Later in 1994: Drafted by the Boston Red Sox. Shakes hands with club president. Crushed pinky finger.

July 5th, 1996: Oversleeps and misses team bus. Presumed dead.

Mid-1998: Called up to the major leagues by the Montreal Expos. Cries tears of joy over achieving a lifelong dream. Detached optical nerve.

Late 1998: Gives up Mark McGwire's 70th home run of the year. Bruised ego.

Januard 23rd, 2000: Explores Montreal. Frostbite.

2002: Traded to Florida Marlins. Heatstroke.

August 5th, 2003: Explores Everglades, known for its vast population of mosquitoes. Malaria.

2005: Wins 18 games, becomes a free agent. Signs 4 year, $39.95 million deal with the New York Yankees. Strains tendon in wrist while signing. Blames non-ergonomic pen.

Later 2005: Strained shoulder. To the disabled list!

Spring Training, 2006: Bruised buttocks. DL (This one is true).

August 15th, 2006: Breaks two ribs in an auto accident. He doesn't inform the team for two weeks. This leads to the Yankees hiring a private investigator to try to find some dirt on Pavano that will allow them to void his contract. The investigator fails, but still has a higher VORP than Pavano on the year.

May 23, 2007: Tommy John surgery.

October 2008: Becomes a free agent having pitched a total of 26 games for the Yankees over the previous 4 years. Slips on banana peel. Bruised buttocks again.

April 19, 2009: Starts against the Yankees for his new team, the Cleveland Indians. Has a perfect game going through 3 innings. Head falls off.

Day of the Dead: Comes back as zombie. Chainsaw.


sox19_wheels said...

No one has commented on this, but this is by far my favorite blog, solely because I know what you are talking about

your mom said...

Okay, for some reason I missed that post until now! This is by far my favorite of your sports-related blogs, solely because I don't need to know who or what you are talking about to appreciate the humor. ROFLMNRO!

NOT lemming said...

Yaaaaaaay chainsaw wielding zombies=happeness!

UncleRick said...

I think, I'm still thinking...If posters are going to make up new abbreviations (is that what a web-illiterate should call them?) they should at least explain what they mean. "ROFLMNRO?" NR=narrow rear?, nerd recepticle?, nasty rinse? (if you are on YoVille you'll understand that one) I'm going to be puzzling over this one all day if someone doesn't help me out! nervous reaction? numb 'roids?