Wednesday, December 31, 2008

An Open Letter To The Residents Of New York City

We have reached the time of year when it gets colder outside, and some of you may have noticed that something is different this time of year, something sent to us from the heavens. As I hail from Vermont originally, I am more than qualified to inform you about this strange new presence in your life (Not as qualified as, say, Bjork, but still fairly knowledgeable). It is called snow. It is similar to rain, in as much as both are precipitation that falls earthward from the heavens. However, snow tends to drift slowly, whereas rain falls fast and hard. This is because rain is actual water, while snow is partially frozen water, and much lighter than rain. This is why rain, when falling on you, soaks your clothes through quickly, leaving you cold and miserable. Snow, on the other hand, does no such thing. It settles on your coat, from which it can easily be brushed off by either yourself or the wind (Which is ever-present in NYC). What this means in practical terms is that when it is snowing, YOU DO NOT NEED YOUR UMBRELLA. Many of you seem unclear on this point, which is very unfortunate, as you seem to double as the group who has very poor motor skills, and therefore no actual control over the placement of said umbrella. Here's the deal. I come from a very long line of myopic people. Poor eyesight is a treasured heirloom in my family. Therefore, I wear contact lenses. These are great. I can see, and unlike glasses, these also give me peripheral vision. All I have to do to have these magical inventions cure my eyesight is to put my fingers into my eyes twice daily. Once to insert the contacts, and once to remove them. After I do this in the morning (Often before drinking coffee. I really have no idea how I manage), I spend most of the rest of the day trying not to have any other foreign objects enter my ocular cavities, including the tips of your umbrella. If you examine your umbrella closely (Go ahead! I'll wait!), you will notice that it has spiky tips to it, commonly made of metal. This makes them really hurt when you stab me with them, and as umbrellas are unnecessary in the snow, I was hoping we could enjoy our winter without me having to continually duck out of the way to preserve what little eyesight I have remaining.

Thank you.


Amy said...

Mike, this Amy (your sister duh). I love this post. However, I don't like the dumb posts about sports. I strongly encourage you to abandon writing about sports and pursue a full-time career writing about the weather.

UncleRick said...

Mike, this is your Uncle. I must take issue with many things you have recently blogged. I am also going to pass on some sage advice a friend offered up one hazy early morning many years ago. (1) you are obviously suffering from some sort of Bruins/Celtics/Patriots uphoria letdown-drink more beer.
(2) A city of, potentially, 12 millions umbrella wielding citizens? Run for it, and bring a case of beer. (3) while I admire your obvious diligence in studying the minutiae that contributes to making our national past-time the harmless opiate it is I say, come up for air! Oh, and drink some more beer. (4) The world needs more history teachers. Hint, hint! (5) We miss you, visit more often. I'll buy you a beer.