Saturday, April 25, 2009

The Finale (Not of this blog)

So tomorrow is moving day. Unfortunately, no one wants to live in our (Myself and the Official Girlfriend. Not multiple personalities. This time) crazily-priced apartment, meaning I will have to come back here to work for the month of May so that we (same) don't go bankrupt. Suck. Anyway, the original plan had Friday being my final day, so I decided to go out with a flourish. Said flourish is presented below, with no changes. So if it sounds like you personally are not the target audience at any point, rest assured that this is true.

Here we go.

I like to think of myself as a kind and benevolent person (I suspect this is hardly a unique thing on my part. Guerilla rebel leaders/dictators aside, most people probably don't like to think of themself as someone willing to crush anyone in their way to get what they desire. Unless, of course, that person is on a reality television program). And a large part of this can be shown by my desire to leave behind something better than what I found when I arrived. As I am moving Sunday, I have spent a good amount of the week pondering this problem, and I have come up with a plan which I would like to lay out here. As all of you know, Macy's is in something of a transitional phase at the moment, as the company reshapes itself to respond to the changing environments of both the workplace and the market, with the changes occurring primarily being motivated by the age-old desire to maximize profits while minimizing costs, the very core of business philosophy (At least as far as I know. I'm a history major with an english minor). In an attempt to improve the company's success, I have come up with a two-part plan that will help Macy's thrive on into the forseeable future; perhaps in time achieving global market dominance, depending on how they implement it. I now will lay this plan out to you chosen few, my sounding board.

1: Fire all security personnel. This is a regrettable reduction in workforce, but unfortunately it must be done to implement the following step.

2: Replace them with dinosaurs with rocket launchers.

The benefits of this are apparent to all of you, I am sure, first and foremost being that it would be COMPLETELY AWESOME. If you think Macy's is a must-see location now, imagine when it has a rocket launcher-wielding T-Rex inside. Kids love dinosaurs, and they will be lining up to visit Macy's once this happens. What's that little Billy? Mom's going shopping and dreading every moment of it because of how you behave once you enter the store with her? Well, no one blames you for that. After all, shopping is boring. Or at least it used to be. But today, Mom's taking you to Macy's. Wouldn't that make a great commercial? Maybe I should send this to the advertising department too. One of the major problems faced by any retail operation is a reduction in profits due to theft. Or at least that is a problem anywhere else. Not at Macy's with the new security force. Do you want to explain to the T-Rex how that pair of sunglasses ended up in your pocket? I don't think so. And those people who come inside just to browse and then leave without buying anything? Simply put, they have no value to the company. But imagine them trying to leave without a Macy's bag in their hands as the Velociraptor at the door hisses at them, rocket launcher strapped to his back. I think they'll be making a purchase. This would send company profits through the roof.

Now I know there will be naysayers out there, making criticisms like 'Dinosaurs don't, technically, exist' or 'The dinosaurs will eat the customers'. To these people I say that those who can't do become critics, and have no value to our society. But soon they will. As to the first criticism, it may very well be true that dinosaurs do not exist, or it may be true (As has been posited) that they just hide really well. Either way, I am not a scientist. I am an idea man. Let the scientists get the dinosaurs ready for us. And as to the second one, the dinosaurs won't think to eat the customers (Probably. Maybe we should ask a scientist just to be sure) if they're not hungry. So, to keep them well-fed, we'll let them eat the aforementioned critics. It'll be a perfect, utopian, dinosaurs-with-rocket-launchers led department store of the future! As someone who saw the first 20 minutes of Jurassic Park, I am absolutely certain that nothing can go wrong here. I don't know if it counts as insider trading or not (Again, the history/english thing), but I would advise buying Macy's stock now, because as soon as the first wave of dinosaurs hits the main floor, that stock is going through the roof. And then, both as a company and as individuals, our future will be so bright that we'll have to wear rocket-proof shields.


your mom said...

Are you sure you're still working at Macy's for the month of May? Or did you arrive (after sending that email out) and find Macy's is sorry but they have no idea who you are?

But don't be discouraged, Mike. All great visionaries have to wait for the world to catch up before they are truly appreciated!

lemming said...

That's the most stupid thing i've ever...AAAAAHHHHHH!!!

Amy and Fat B said...

There is a Creation Museum in Kentucky that has exhibits with dinosaurs and people walking around together.... because clearly god created us and the dinosaurs simultaneously...