Yes, I Would Love the Job

Well, not so much me, as I am now gainfully employed in a manner I can report to the IRS. The Official Girlfriend is currently job-hunting, an activity which often leaves her frustrated for all the obvious reasons. She spends a lot of time on job-related internet sites, which are known for their startling veracity in all regards. This state of affairs led to her receiving the following email in response to her application for a babysitting job. Please excuse the mangled English. It cannot be helped, as the family in question recently moved to the country, according to an email which accompanied this one, and has now been sadly lost. Where did they move from?, you may well ask. England. I swear I am not making that up.

Hello Dear,

I have listed some questions from for you below as i was adviced by the nanny site that these questions should be the basis for for us to make a choice of a good baby sitter.Our kids mean everything to us and we would do all withing our best of efforts to give him the best of things in life.I hope the questiions are not so breath taking , we are only trying to act as we have been directed by the nanny site so we can know we are having someone with enormous experience when it comes to baby sitting.

Questions are listed below:

Do you smoke?

How well do you like pets ?Any allergies?

Do you drink alcohol?

Do you speak any languages other than English?

Would you work in a position with a mom how far? how long?

What are your education goals?

Have you ever been treated for mental illness/depression?

How many children do you feel comfortable caring for?

What ages do you prefer?

Are you CPR and first aid certified?

What are your weaknesses/limitations?

What are your strengths?

What do you like to do your free time?

How many people are in your family?

What is your relationship like with your parents and siblings?

What jobs have you had in the past?

Have you been a past nanny ?where do you get a job?

Are you interested in taking classes?

How assertive are you?Do you feel you communication?

How much do you charge and what hours are you available?

I hope to get your response back soon enough so we can get on with this.

Thank you and stay blessed lastly kindly send atleast one of your reference (s) so we can contact them and know more about you.

Despite the fact that this is very clearly a legitimate job and not at all sketchy in any way, she decided not to respond to this Englishwoman's very reasonable questions. Being myself, and therefore completely ridiculous, I decided to handle her response for her. It follows.

Dear Nancy,

My breath was initially taken away by your enormous list of questions, but after I regained it I decided that I would try to suppress my anger over your obvious distrust of me long enough to answer your questions. Based on the length of the list, I suspect you are an overbearing person. You should be careful of that, as it could lead to your children having emotional problems later in life, and therapy bills are expensive. Also, I will helpfully number your questions in my response, even though numbers are a tool of science, and therefore against God's will.

1. I do not smoke cigarettes.

2. I like all pets except fish, reptiles, cats and dogs.

2b. I used to have allergies, but God cured them.

3. Not before lunchtime.

4. I speak Latin as well as English, in case the College of Cardinals chooses to appoint me Pope.

5. 17 feet.

5b. A fortnight.

6. To someday stop eating the paste.

7. The court records have been sealed, so no.

8. Up to one. Ideally less.

9. I like 'em young.

10. If God has decided it is time for someone to die, we should not interfere.

11. I have no weaknesses or limitations, and am insulted that you would even ask that.

12. I can leg-press 1,500 pounds.

13. In my free time, I usually hunt the most dangerous game.

14. 28. We're Catholic.

15. Very poor, but it's their fault, not mine.

16. I mostly work for tips.

17. Yes, in a past life.

17b. Usually on the corner.

18. If God wants me to know more things, he will implant that knowledge directly into my brain.

19. I am very assertive, especially when I am holding my metal bat.

19b. I are excrutiatingly skilled at communications.

20. That depends on what the client wants, and am busy at nighttimes.

21. That is not a question.

I hope this has helped you realize that God wants me to watch your kids, and if you don't give me the position than you must be stupid. Pray to him, as he is my reference.

In His name,

-Dani Stock

I think I turned her into some kind of Catholic hooker there. Anyways, being completely unreasonable and a notorious hater of fun and/or lulz, she refused to allow me to send this. So Nancy, I'm sorry you so rudely received no response (You're reading my blog, right? Cool). She'd love the position. Stay in touch.

My Spice Cabinet Is Trying To Kill Me

I spend a fair amount of time in my kitchen because, in my experience, that is where food comes from. As someone who enjoys eating both for the ability it allows me to continue my existence as well as for the flavor it can provide, I take this aspect of my life fairly seriously (Probably more seriously than I should, as I recently used a thermometer to take the internal temperature of a sweet roll as a means of determining doneness, which spell check does not think is a word). I take pride in whipping up tasty meals out of whatever I feel like buying at the store (As I also work at the store, these things are inevitably cheap), and really love the room of my house from which the food comes. So I was shocked when I recently discovered that my warm, fuzzy feelings are evidently not returned by that most crucial of cupboards, my spice cabinet.

As someone who is, technically, poor, I find myself often hit with sticker shock when I enter the spice aisle of a grocery store and find that .0056205032 ounces of bay leaves will cost me $41.85. This is why I buy my spices from the bulk section of the local Organic Hippy Co-Op, which allows me to fill a bag with however much of a particular spice I want, and then buy just that amount. Beyond helping me ensure that my spices are constantly fresh (Yes, they deteriorate with age), this saves me a not-insignificant amount of money. But occasionally I get spices at a regular store that does not smell of patchouli, which is why my spice cabinet is littered with small, frequently unmarked bags of Mystery Spices broken up by the occasional Enormous, Mostly Full, Clearly Labeled Jar. Most of the time it is fairly easy to determine which spices are in which bags, as most look different from one another, and in the rare cases that they are similar, well, no one's going to care too much if the basil is actually oregano (One exception: Do not confuse paprika with cayenne pepper. Ever). As a result of this system, my cabinet contains very few words. So the other day when I looked into the cabinet and saw the jar of coriander standing there like some kind of flavorful colossus, I was a bit startled to see that the side of the container read:

NO IRRADIATION

This is less than comforting, especially since none of my other containers or unmarked bags contain similar sentiments. On the upside, it does explain where the eerie glow in my kitchen comes from. Now, being a history major with an English minor, I am not too heavy on the sciences, and therefore am not entirely sure what the effects of radiation are, but I am reasonably certain that it is where Godzilla came from. Thank god that I am no longer in New York, because I am petrified of what might happen if a cockroach got into the cumin. And while this does eliminate the need for me to buy a nightlight (I now keep the garam masala next to the bed), I now spend most of my time wondering what the trade-off of good-tasting food v. decreased life expectancy is worth to me. I have yet to figure out the exact answer, as my thought process is fairly scattered due to the noise being emitted by the Geiger counter I placed next to the nutmeg (Which actually has a label, albeit one that identifies the bag's contents as 'nutmed'. Evidently I was tired). Such is the price of safety. In response to this alarming set of circumstances, I have composed my last will and testament, and would like to let each and every one of you know that I love you all equally, though some of you more than others. And if I am found dead, or glowing, or Godzillaing, be assured that the turmeric did it.