Back at the dawn of time, prehistoric man would commonly wake up to find his cave on fire just before dying in the inferno. This eventually led mankind to move from caves to apartment buildings, which are equally flammable, but feature a device called a smoke alarm specifically designed to let you know if you are in impending danger of being cooked to medium-rare (Doneness may vary due to the strength of the blaze and the mass of the individual in question. Always use a thermometer to ensure precision). Simply by inserting that 9-volt battery you found in the bottom of the drawer where you keep your winter gloves under the hat your great-aunt knitted for you into the machine after first touching it to your tongue to make sure it still has a charge, you can be alerted of danger in time to escape to the great outdoors. But this clearly was not enough. Worried that the batteries might die and remain unchanged in the now-lifeless machines, someone came up with the idea of tying the smoke alarms into the power lines, ensuring that we apartment-dwellers shall always be safe.
As you may have guessed already, my apartment features one of these miracles of modern technology, and while I have not yet stress-tested it due to a desire to not burn my apartment down, I am certain it will alert me should that become a possibility. I believe this due to the impressive number of things it makes sure to alert me to on a daily basis. For example, I can always count on my smoke alarm to let me know that my oven is on. Smoke is not required for it to perform this vital task. I suspect that somewhere in my smoke alarm is a thermometer, and when it registers any sort of temperature, as heat is not native to Duluth, Minnesota, my alarm decides to warn me of this unnatural development. As it is hardwired into the wall, I do not even need to give it a nine-volt for it to perform this function, and I cannot prevent it from doing so, short of taking an axe to it. Which I have certainly debated doing from time to time. However, it does many other things too, this amazing multi-tasking safety device. For instance, last night it decided to alert me to the fact that it was 4:57 a.m. It did this, not by going off to signal any sort of danger, but by emitting an ear-piercing chirp that the Official Girlfriend somehow slept through for no reason whatsoever (We have two of these machines. The other remained blessedly silent the whole time) every ten seconds as I struggled with both it and my sleep-fogged brain in an attempt to figure out how to silence it for good (Cement shoes and Lake Superior being a leading option). I immediately recognized the chirping as coming from the smoke alarm because it had done that in the middle of the night once before, when it decided to let me know that the power was out and it did not have a battery installed in it, so it could not properly protect me. At this point, you may wish to re-read that sentence. That actually happened until I found a battery and jammed it into the alarm, at which point it shut up, leaving unanswered the obvious question: If it had no battery and the power was out, how was it yelling at me at a volume loud enough to wake the (probable) crack dealers in the vacant house next door?!? I still do not know this, but I am so happy with the security this device provides me that I am giving serious consideration to re-enacting the last fifteen minutes of The Shining with it. And then, and only then, will I finally be able to rest easily. At which point I will presumably die in a fire.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
Things Dani Said To Me Tonight
"I had fifty-four minutes of moderate activity today. Half of it was now, and half of it was walking around Target."
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
I'm Not Dead Yet
Pardon me for my silence. I've been busy going from being frustrated over my lack of a spacebar and B and N keys to being shocked by the fact that I once again have these letters and/or spaces at my disposal once again, and am trying to retrain myself on the fine art of typing things. While I do so, may I make the humble suggestion that you watch the following video?
Please note that this features a minor amount of language, as I do not want to be held responsible for pain and suffering caused by such language causing you to fall off your chair. By clicking play, you agree to release me from all doctor's and legal fees that may result from said falling. You may wish to coat your floor in Nerf™ first, just to be safe. And because that would be awesome.
Please note that this features a minor amount of language, as I do not want to be held responsible for pain and suffering caused by such language causing you to fall off your chair. By clicking play, you agree to release me from all doctor's and legal fees that may result from said falling. You may wish to coat your floor in Nerf™ first, just to be safe. And because that would be awesome.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Overheard In Line At The Market
After the cashier informed a man who looked to be shy of 20 that he hadn't given her enough money to buy the soda he was holding.
"How much more? I can't count so good. Don't need that to get a GED. Don't need no diploma to make babies."
"How much more? I can't count so good. Don't need that to get a GED. Don't need no diploma to make babies."
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
What The Guy From Nerf Herder Is Doing These Days
Seems like a logical progression from 'Nosering Girl'.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Opening Day
Baseball is back! Hooray! So without further ado, let's jump right into some season projections (Teams listed in order of projected divisional finish).
AL East
Boston Red Sox - What, you expected someone else? With their offseason additions, the Sox are the best team in baseball, and they should be announcing that Adrian Gonzalez extension any day now.
Tampa Bay Rays - It was a rough offseason in Tampa, losing Crawford, Pena, and pretty much everything in the bullpen that wasn't tied down, including the players. But they did an excellent job with the Garza trade, and have a group of promising young players ready to step up, led by Jeremy Hellickson. Matt Joyce should make for an solid platoon outfielder in right, and James Shields can't really be Jose Lima in disguise, can he?
NY Yankees - Maybe they'd be in second if I was less biased, but tough for them (And the Rays are still really good). Heck of a lineup, but there's not much depth there, and the rotation is beyond paper-thin. Great bullpen, though. Let's hope they don't all get hurt.
Toronto Blue Jays - If you are a right-handed hitter and can make contact with a baseball, have you considered hitting twenty home runs for the Blue Jays? You really should. It pays well.
On a more serous note, the Jays would probably win the NL Central this year, have lots of young pitching, and cannot be praised enough for dumping Vernon Wells' contract on the Angels.
Baltimore Orioles - It's a solid lineup, but they still need some quality pitching. That's where Matusz, Tillman and Britton come in. Also, this year is the year of Wieters. Really.
AL East
Chicago White Sox - Want.
Minnesota Twins - I worry that at some point both Justin Morneau and the cloner the Twins keep using on Brad Radke are going to break.
Detroit Tigers - Verlander and Cabrera are amazing. How many other Tigers can you name?
Cleveland Indians - Carlos Santana will get a full season to show what he can do (Hint: A lot), Shin-Soo Choo will be traded to accelerate the rebuilding effort, and Grady Sizemore will spontaneously combust.
Kansas City Royals - The Royals combine the best farm system in baseball with a front office that struggles to do anything right on the major league level. Hence Melky Cabrera and Jeff Francouer, who are, technically, horrible at baseball.
AL West
Oakland Athletics - They're counting on a lot of young arms, but I think they've got the depth to withstand some injuries and still turn in their typically stellar run prevention, which should be enough to make up for the offense. Anytime Chris Carter is ready, Billy Beane will find a spot for him. Any day now.
Texas Rangers - Pretty much the inverse of the A's. That is one heck of a lineup, but they don't have a single starter without an enormous question mark. I'll say that this is the year for Derek Holland, though. Also, Michael Young seems to still think he's good. That's cute.
Los Angeles Blah Blah Whatever - They took on Vernon Wells' contract while simultaneously getting rid of that problem they had involving a catcher who could hit. This is a really bad lineup. Prediction: A correlation of -1 between the number of games Jeff Mathis starts and the number of games the Angels win (MATH JOKE).
Seattle Mariners - Which is more likely: The Mariners finishing .500 or Milton Bradley killing a teammate?
NL East
Atlanta Braves - Maybe it's because I root for the Red Sox, but I find myself picking teams with good depth this year. So, yeah, the Braves have it. Mike Minor is ready to start in the majors now, and they've got a bunch of power arms rapidly moving through the system behind him. Also, that Hayword guy is kind of good, I hear.
Philadelphia Phillies - The league's best pitching staff is paired with a lineup that, with Chase Utley out, features one above-average hitter for his position, and no, it's not Ryan Howard. This is the year where he hits that cliff he's been moving towards for the last four years.
Florida Marlins - Will turn a profit.
New York Mets - The rebuilding effort begins by the trade deadline, when Jose Reyes gets sold off. It's not going to be pretty. But they're still better than the...
Washington Nationals - I read multiple articles this offseason about how the Nationals are going to surprise people. They're starting Livan Hernandez on opening day. I don't care how much money they spent on Jayson Werth, they aren't really trying.
NL Central
Uggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Cincinnati Reds - They've got a very good offense, even though Dusty is completely destroying every starting pitcher on the roster one by one. I'll call two of them have Tommy John surgery this year, and the Reds win the division at .500.
Milwaukee Brewers - Absolutely no depth, no farm system, two re-signed, injury prone players, the worst-hitting centerfielder in baseball, the worst hitting and fielding shortstop in baseball, and their new ace is out because he got hurt playing pickup basketball. Sounds like second in the Central.
St. Louis Cardinals - Would've been first before Wainwright got hurt. Drop them down another spot when Carpenter goes down.
Chicago Cubs - Tyler Colvin and Starlin Castro actually provided some excellent cost-controlled production last year. Quick Jim Hendry! Overpay them and break their kneecaps!
Pittsburgh Pirates - The Pirates finally have some exciting young talent in McCutcheon, Tabata, Alvarez and Walker. Unfortunately, all the pitching prospects are still a ways away. There's a light at the end of the tunnel, but it's not quite time yet.
Houston Astros - Godawful.
NL West
San Francisco Giants - No, Aubrey Huff and Pat Burrell are not going to do that again, and Miguel Tejada might challenge Betancourt for the title of 'Worst-fielding shortstop in baseball'. Aaron Rowand is a sunk cost. But Brandon Belt is a rookie of the year contender, Kung-Fu Panda should bounce back, and no one outside of Philadelphia is messing with those pitchers.
Colorado Rockies - There's no real offense outside of Gonzalez, Tulowitzki and Seth Smith, but those forst two guys are rather good. Also, I have a bit of a crush on Jhoulys Chacin, even if I can't pronounce his name.
Los Angeles Dodgers - Chad Billingsley is rapidly turning into the new AJ Burnett, but Clayton Kershaw is a beast. And at least they got rid of Carlos Santana for Casey Blake! Who needs a competent catcher? What I mean is that Ned Colletti is a terrible GM.
San Diego Padres - The pitchers should be fine, and I'm excited to see what Cameron Maybin can do, but the offense wasn't good with Adrian Gonzalez. And he's gone now.
Arizona Diamondbacks - It's nice to see that even with a new general manager, the Diamondbacks are still finding ways to block Brandon Allen from getting playing time. Unfortunately for them, the interim regime traded Dan Haren, who is an excellent pitcher, for Joe Saunders, who should probably be a middle reliever. On the Pirates.
Well, that was fun. And just remember, making predictions is a fool's errand, but these ones are clearly infallible. I'll probably post some other thoughts and/or awards projections tomorrow. Until then, enjoy the baseball.
AL East
Boston Red Sox - What, you expected someone else? With their offseason additions, the Sox are the best team in baseball, and they should be announcing that Adrian Gonzalez extension any day now.
Tampa Bay Rays - It was a rough offseason in Tampa, losing Crawford, Pena, and pretty much everything in the bullpen that wasn't tied down, including the players. But they did an excellent job with the Garza trade, and have a group of promising young players ready to step up, led by Jeremy Hellickson. Matt Joyce should make for an solid platoon outfielder in right, and James Shields can't really be Jose Lima in disguise, can he?
NY Yankees - Maybe they'd be in second if I was less biased, but tough for them (And the Rays are still really good). Heck of a lineup, but there's not much depth there, and the rotation is beyond paper-thin. Great bullpen, though. Let's hope they don't all get hurt.
Toronto Blue Jays - If you are a right-handed hitter and can make contact with a baseball, have you considered hitting twenty home runs for the Blue Jays? You really should. It pays well.
On a more serous note, the Jays would probably win the NL Central this year, have lots of young pitching, and cannot be praised enough for dumping Vernon Wells' contract on the Angels.
Baltimore Orioles - It's a solid lineup, but they still need some quality pitching. That's where Matusz, Tillman and Britton come in. Also, this year is the year of Wieters. Really.
AL East
Chicago White Sox - Want.
Minnesota Twins - I worry that at some point both Justin Morneau and the cloner the Twins keep using on Brad Radke are going to break.
Detroit Tigers - Verlander and Cabrera are amazing. How many other Tigers can you name?
Cleveland Indians - Carlos Santana will get a full season to show what he can do (Hint: A lot), Shin-Soo Choo will be traded to accelerate the rebuilding effort, and Grady Sizemore will spontaneously combust.
Kansas City Royals - The Royals combine the best farm system in baseball with a front office that struggles to do anything right on the major league level. Hence Melky Cabrera and Jeff Francouer, who are, technically, horrible at baseball.
AL West
Oakland Athletics - They're counting on a lot of young arms, but I think they've got the depth to withstand some injuries and still turn in their typically stellar run prevention, which should be enough to make up for the offense. Anytime Chris Carter is ready, Billy Beane will find a spot for him. Any day now.
Texas Rangers - Pretty much the inverse of the A's. That is one heck of a lineup, but they don't have a single starter without an enormous question mark. I'll say that this is the year for Derek Holland, though. Also, Michael Young seems to still think he's good. That's cute.
Los Angeles Blah Blah Whatever - They took on Vernon Wells' contract while simultaneously getting rid of that problem they had involving a catcher who could hit. This is a really bad lineup. Prediction: A correlation of -1 between the number of games Jeff Mathis starts and the number of games the Angels win (MATH JOKE).
Seattle Mariners - Which is more likely: The Mariners finishing .500 or Milton Bradley killing a teammate?
NL East
Atlanta Braves - Maybe it's because I root for the Red Sox, but I find myself picking teams with good depth this year. So, yeah, the Braves have it. Mike Minor is ready to start in the majors now, and they've got a bunch of power arms rapidly moving through the system behind him. Also, that Hayword guy is kind of good, I hear.
Philadelphia Phillies - The league's best pitching staff is paired with a lineup that, with Chase Utley out, features one above-average hitter for his position, and no, it's not Ryan Howard. This is the year where he hits that cliff he's been moving towards for the last four years.
Florida Marlins - Will turn a profit.
New York Mets - The rebuilding effort begins by the trade deadline, when Jose Reyes gets sold off. It's not going to be pretty. But they're still better than the...
Washington Nationals - I read multiple articles this offseason about how the Nationals are going to surprise people. They're starting Livan Hernandez on opening day. I don't care how much money they spent on Jayson Werth, they aren't really trying.
NL Central
Uggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Cincinnati Reds - They've got a very good offense, even though Dusty is completely destroying every starting pitcher on the roster one by one. I'll call two of them have Tommy John surgery this year, and the Reds win the division at .500.
Milwaukee Brewers - Absolutely no depth, no farm system, two re-signed, injury prone players, the worst-hitting centerfielder in baseball, the worst hitting and fielding shortstop in baseball, and their new ace is out because he got hurt playing pickup basketball. Sounds like second in the Central.
St. Louis Cardinals - Would've been first before Wainwright got hurt. Drop them down another spot when Carpenter goes down.
Chicago Cubs - Tyler Colvin and Starlin Castro actually provided some excellent cost-controlled production last year. Quick Jim Hendry! Overpay them and break their kneecaps!
Pittsburgh Pirates - The Pirates finally have some exciting young talent in McCutcheon, Tabata, Alvarez and Walker. Unfortunately, all the pitching prospects are still a ways away. There's a light at the end of the tunnel, but it's not quite time yet.
Houston Astros - Godawful.
NL West
San Francisco Giants - No, Aubrey Huff and Pat Burrell are not going to do that again, and Miguel Tejada might challenge Betancourt for the title of 'Worst-fielding shortstop in baseball'. Aaron Rowand is a sunk cost. But Brandon Belt is a rookie of the year contender, Kung-Fu Panda should bounce back, and no one outside of Philadelphia is messing with those pitchers.
Colorado Rockies - There's no real offense outside of Gonzalez, Tulowitzki and Seth Smith, but those forst two guys are rather good. Also, I have a bit of a crush on Jhoulys Chacin, even if I can't pronounce his name.
Los Angeles Dodgers - Chad Billingsley is rapidly turning into the new AJ Burnett, but Clayton Kershaw is a beast. And at least they got rid of Carlos Santana for Casey Blake! Who needs a competent catcher? What I mean is that Ned Colletti is a terrible GM.
San Diego Padres - The pitchers should be fine, and I'm excited to see what Cameron Maybin can do, but the offense wasn't good with Adrian Gonzalez. And he's gone now.
Arizona Diamondbacks - It's nice to see that even with a new general manager, the Diamondbacks are still finding ways to block Brandon Allen from getting playing time. Unfortunately for them, the interim regime traded Dan Haren, who is an excellent pitcher, for Joe Saunders, who should probably be a middle reliever. On the Pirates.
Well, that was fun. And just remember, making predictions is a fool's errand, but these ones are clearly infallible. I'll probably post some other thoughts and/or awards projections tomorrow. Until then, enjoy the baseball.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Things I Heard On TV
Girl (extremely serious): You mean the oldest vampire in the history of time is coming after me?
Friday, March 18, 2011
Rebecca Black Is Not The Problem
If you haven't seen/heard it yet, here you go. I'll wait:
(Link in case the video doesn't post right)
Okay. Done with that? Let's start with a thesis: This is the worst song ever. Yes, worse than "Muskrat Love". If you doubt me, go back and listen to it again, especially the bridge at around the two-minute mark. This song has blown up, hitting the top-100 on iTunes, passing 15,000,000 views on YouTube and spawning many articles discussing it (And an excellent cover by Bob Dylan), as well as some potential discussion of Black signing a record deal. However, this is not because people like the song. Despite my occasional misgivings about the subject, we have not quite devolved to that point yet. Rather, this song seems to be the focal point for the long-simmering backlash against the entire teen pop genre, which deserved to die many, many years ago. With that in mind, there is the potential for this song to do a wonderful thing for the world.
You see, Black is not actually a singer, and this song is not actually released by a record label. Black is a teenager whose mother paid a (presumably decent) sum of money to Ark Music Factory, a company that lets people be in their own music video, thus realizing the pinnacle of contemporary culture. The performers have the song written for them, and based on this video, have little input whatsoever into what the finished product will sound like, as Black's voice has been auto-tuned out of existence (And the tiny bit that remains seems to insist on pronouncing 'Friday' as 'fried egg'). I don't know how they handle the video, but it presumably isn't a much more involved process. Then the teenager can go hone and show their friends the music video on YouTube. It's all very exciting. This process leads to complete dreck being kicked out, not for totally valid artistic reasons (Like 'We Built This City'), but solely as an obligation for cash considerations, which is what the pop music industry has been about for quite a while now. This is just a slightly more honest way of doing things. And that is where the fun starts.
You see, no label can touch this and try to pretend that they're signing Black as an artist. Rather, any record deal would have to be as a novelty act, also known as a blatant cash grab. But this calls into question the validity of the entire teen pop genre. You see, none of these performers have talent. They are selected for looks and exploitability, thrust into an auto-tune program to sing something written by a 40-year old man who probably lives in Sweden or something, and shipped out into the world to be eaten alive by fame and the press. They don't actually have the skills to write or sing something decent. They are raw meat. This is different from Black solely in the fact that the major labels put more money into it than Black's mother, so they receive a marginally higher-quality finished product. Beyond signing Black, there are now problems with existing artists. Anyone who puts out anything that sounds even remotely close to this song from here on out is going to be absolutely crucified. The backlash against this song has been so fierce and immediate that the entire genre is going to have to distance itself. And there's even the chance that it could sound the death knell for teen pop as a whole. Which I would be okay with.
But there is going to be a cost to this righteous rage. Forgive me if I start sounding like the 'Leave Britney alone!' guy here, but this needs to be said. It isn't the name of (insert horrific songwriter here) who is going to bear this. It is Black whose name is on this, even though she was only marginally involved in the whole process. Really what she is guilty of is being a teenager and therefore stupid, and having parents dumb and rich enough to indulge her whims. The problem is with Ark Music Factory, the people who are actually responsible for this song, and with the entire music industry that has participated in the process of foisting talentless hacks on us under the guise of 'music'. The major labels, one and all, are at fault here. This is simply one ridiculous example of something they have been doing for years. But Black is going to be the one who takes the fall here, and internet justice is harsh. I hope I'm wrong here, but there's a reasonable chance she is going to be destroyed by this process. If and when this happens, remember who is really responsible. It's not the stupid teenager. It's the adults who look at the stupid teenager and see only money.
(Link in case the video doesn't post right)
Okay. Done with that? Let's start with a thesis: This is the worst song ever. Yes, worse than "Muskrat Love". If you doubt me, go back and listen to it again, especially the bridge at around the two-minute mark. This song has blown up, hitting the top-100 on iTunes, passing 15,000,000 views on YouTube and spawning many articles discussing it (And an excellent cover by Bob Dylan), as well as some potential discussion of Black signing a record deal. However, this is not because people like the song. Despite my occasional misgivings about the subject, we have not quite devolved to that point yet. Rather, this song seems to be the focal point for the long-simmering backlash against the entire teen pop genre, which deserved to die many, many years ago. With that in mind, there is the potential for this song to do a wonderful thing for the world.
You see, Black is not actually a singer, and this song is not actually released by a record label. Black is a teenager whose mother paid a (presumably decent) sum of money to Ark Music Factory, a company that lets people be in their own music video, thus realizing the pinnacle of contemporary culture. The performers have the song written for them, and based on this video, have little input whatsoever into what the finished product will sound like, as Black's voice has been auto-tuned out of existence (And the tiny bit that remains seems to insist on pronouncing 'Friday' as 'fried egg'). I don't know how they handle the video, but it presumably isn't a much more involved process. Then the teenager can go hone and show their friends the music video on YouTube. It's all very exciting. This process leads to complete dreck being kicked out, not for totally valid artistic reasons (Like 'We Built This City'), but solely as an obligation for cash considerations, which is what the pop music industry has been about for quite a while now. This is just a slightly more honest way of doing things. And that is where the fun starts.
You see, no label can touch this and try to pretend that they're signing Black as an artist. Rather, any record deal would have to be as a novelty act, also known as a blatant cash grab. But this calls into question the validity of the entire teen pop genre. You see, none of these performers have talent. They are selected for looks and exploitability, thrust into an auto-tune program to sing something written by a 40-year old man who probably lives in Sweden or something, and shipped out into the world to be eaten alive by fame and the press. They don't actually have the skills to write or sing something decent. They are raw meat. This is different from Black solely in the fact that the major labels put more money into it than Black's mother, so they receive a marginally higher-quality finished product. Beyond signing Black, there are now problems with existing artists. Anyone who puts out anything that sounds even remotely close to this song from here on out is going to be absolutely crucified. The backlash against this song has been so fierce and immediate that the entire genre is going to have to distance itself. And there's even the chance that it could sound the death knell for teen pop as a whole. Which I would be okay with.
But there is going to be a cost to this righteous rage. Forgive me if I start sounding like the 'Leave Britney alone!' guy here, but this needs to be said. It isn't the name of (insert horrific songwriter here) who is going to bear this. It is Black whose name is on this, even though she was only marginally involved in the whole process. Really what she is guilty of is being a teenager and therefore stupid, and having parents dumb and rich enough to indulge her whims. The problem is with Ark Music Factory, the people who are actually responsible for this song, and with the entire music industry that has participated in the process of foisting talentless hacks on us under the guise of 'music'. The major labels, one and all, are at fault here. This is simply one ridiculous example of something they have been doing for years. But Black is going to be the one who takes the fall here, and internet justice is harsh. I hope I'm wrong here, but there's a reasonable chance she is going to be destroyed by this process. If and when this happens, remember who is really responsible. It's not the stupid teenager. It's the adults who look at the stupid teenager and see only money.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
This Guy Is In Midseason Form
Full extension to prevent anyone from getting hit and he doesn't even spill a drop! Try telling me anyone on the Astros could do that. Someone get this man a contract.
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