II: Antique Shop. Also III: Warrior From Heaven and IV: Quite A Match

And here we go again. As the title would suggest this scene takes place in an antique shop. Here in this veritable treasure-trove of discarded objects, we are treated to terrible acting, as the lead character's father (Oh yeah. This is fifteen years earlier) is a fitting match for the on-screen prowess of his progeny. Congrats, Pop. Keanu gets a name (Ethan, in case anyone out there is really wondering) and wanders off about the shop while its proprietor attempts to rip his father off. Stupid crooked antique shop dealers. Some day you will pay the price for your tight-fistedness! Anyway, then Keanu finds a magical trunk that showers him in special effects. This arouses momentary hope in the viewer, but rather than be transported to the magical realm of Narnia, we remain in the antique shop. Sad. Then the antique dealer fakes a heart attack to get the father to go to the hospital and leave him alone with Keanu, a move which immediately ratchets the creepiness factor up to eleven. But fortunately, rather than sinister motives the creepy old man (COM from here on out) merely wants to share a legend with young Keanu, for he has recognized him as The One, via the Trunk Of Shiny Effects, which, unlike the Ark of the Covenant, contains the scale of an Imoogi (Pre-Dragon Thing) and the Light From Heaven (Of course). He also reveals the country of origin for the legend (Korea), thereby giving us a region to vent our anger on, and then goes off into a legend featuring flashbacks to 1507. This is probably where we moved to the next scene, but evidently I am not paying attention. If you were watching this film, you wouldn't be either. So don't feel all superior. Fortunately for you, I don't really care enough to transcribe this legend. You can thank me with beer. We move into subtitles, and someone dies in Korean. Then everyone has tea and takes their horses for a walk on the coastline. Tattoos are given, men have lengthy beards, and someone who looks like Legolas fights what is apparently an invisible ninja. So that's fun (Also, this is probably where scene four starts). Then we move to the beach, where Heaven's Imoogi (Which looks like a 90000-pound snake) puts on a display of synchronized swimming. It is revealed the the Yuh Ji Jin must be sacrificed to create a dragon. She has a silly name. Also, she will be found by the fact that she has a convenient dragon tattoo. And at this point it turns out that I have done three chapters of the film rather than one, as I was planning. You're welcome.

Adventures In Anal Rententiveness

I'm sure most of you out there have, at one point or another, watched a bad movie. Odds are good it starred Eddie Murphy (Post-cocaine version). And that you did not enjoy the experience. But what of the elusive beast, the good bad movie? Here I am speaking of a movie which, while you watch it, is recognized as terrible by the brain, yet you remain enthralled. It is probable that alcoholic beverages of some kind are involved in this process. After many backbreaking seconds of hard research, I have determined some of the primary common characteristics shared by these lovable tragedies: 1) A terrible plot brought to fruition by actors and actresses who seem unaware of the stench emitting from the script. And 2) Way more special effects than are necessary. I am proud to say that I have in my possession a movie that succeeds admirably on both these counts. Behold, in all its glory:

It used to be called Dragon Wars, but after getting the bill
for the special effects they couldn't afford the extra letters.

A movie like this does not come along every day. It is a badly written, overproduced cinematic travesty, and deserves all the attention that should be foisted on films of its ilk. Which is why I shall now, whenever the mood strikes me, break it down scene by scene on this very blog. This is either the greatest idea ever, or the worst (I lean towards the first. The Official Girlfriend made a face that I presume indicates disagreement when I mentioned this idea to her). There is no middle ground. I would recommend drinking heavily while reading the recaps, as it might help get you in the right frame of mind. At the very least, this should be better than the actual movie.