Voice-over: We'll be returning to our feature film in just a few short moments, but first, we'd like to take a moment to tell you about a product certain to replace Tickle Me Elmo and Canadian whiskey straight from the bottle as THE gift of the holiday season.
Man #1: Thanks Ed. Now, Brad, I don't know about you, but I often spend the weeks and months before Christmas standing in never-ending lines subsisting on pemmican waiting for the year's newest toy that my child absolutely needs to keep up the will to live, only to find out that they sold the last one to the woman in front of me in the line, and I get the feeling I'm not alone here. How often does this happen to you?
Man #2: Never, since I bought a gun.
Man #1: (Silence)
Man #2: Kidding! (Mouthing to camera: Not really kidding)
Man #1: I can see you, you know.
Man #2: Oh. Well Chad, now you'll never have to do that again, because we've got this holiday season's hottest gift right here, and you can get it shipped directly to your home for the low, low price of just 17 easy payments of $14.83!
Man #1: Wow! That is a low, low price! But enough about how good a deal this is, and it's certainly a good one. What's it for?
Man #2: I'm glad you asked. Chad, how often have you wanted to own your own dinosaur?
Man #1: Ever since I saw Jurassic Park!
Man #2: Are you mocking me? I can't tell. (Pause) Well, what if I told you we've got something even better than that. A dinosaur....
Man #1: Yes?
Man #2: With a rocket launcher!
Man #1: Wow! That sounds like such an amazing idea, I'm surprised Bill Gates hasn't already filed for a patent on it!
Man #2: Actually, he has. We took it (Mouthing to audience: The gun).
Man #1: Well, let's hope he doesn't press charges! But what kind of dinosaurs are we talking about here?
Man #2: With this introductory offer at the low, low price of just 14 easy payments of $19.85, we'll even let you pick the dinosaur!
V-O (Over shots of TOTALLY AWESOME dinosaurs with rocket launchers): That's right guys. You can get your very own rocket-wielding velociraptor! Or a Tyrannosaurus Rex! Or a brontosaurus with side-mounted missiles!
Man #1: What about my very own Maiosaurus?
Man #2: No, because that one's a pussy.
Man #1: (Sulks)
Man #2: Be the envy of what's left of your block! Get yourself a dinosaur with a rocket launcher today for just 182 easy payments of just $103.74! Heck, at that price get them for the whole family!
Man #1: I will, Chad! And I'm never standing in line again!
Man #2: Because your dinosaur will kill everyone in line?
Man #1: No, because people are going to order these to come in the mail. What is wrong with you?
V-O: So just call 1-900-AWESOME and don't check your monthly statements too closely! Satisfaction probable! We now return you to It's a Wonderful Life, already in progress.
Showing posts with label Adventures in anal retentiveness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adventures in anal retentiveness. Show all posts
Friday, December 24, 2010
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
V: Taking Over
Look, here's the thing. I thought this idea would be a fun lark, but it's really not working so far. While it is still fun to watch a terrible movie every now and again, it turns out writing up every single event in said movie is not really all that enjoyable (How is it to read?). So after a lot of thinking about it (Seriously. How long has it been since I wrote one of these?), I have decided to man up and admit it. If you're at all interested, right now some indeterminate Asian man is performing kung-fu in front of a pagoda. I am not. To give you the full background, here's where the idea came from. I used to live in Park Slope, a nice neighborhood in the oftentimes terrifying Brooklyn, New York. This area features approximately two bodegas per square foot, which presumably decreases profitability significantly. So to compensate for this, one of the bodegas on the way to the subway evidently rented out their window as advertising for Dragon Wars, with a poster featuring two dragons (Which are Chinese dragons, meaning they really just look like oversized snakes. Lame) snarling at each other over the ruins of a city. Needless to say, this made me rather excited. And when the movie came out, my fellow awful film afficionado Robert Fliegel (Hereafter referred to as Bob. Because that is what he goes by) took the initiative to both rent this cinematic masterwork and invite myself and Sir Nicholas Managanananananan, along with our significant others, over for a night of Masterpiece Theater and Malt Beverages (By the way, the next time we are in the same city, the film of choice is going to be Outlander, a movie about a man from outer space whose spaceship crashes in 8th century Norway. He then has to team up with Vikings to fight a monster that escapes from the ship. I am excited). About halfway through the film, two of the others retired to any room in the apartment not showing Dragon Wars, with only the Official Girlfriend sticking it out for the fair sex. Afterward, she mentioned how bad the movie was. Now, I clearly had to defend its honor, so I countered her false accusation with the demonstrably true statement that it was, in fact, the best movie ever made. And, barring occasional references to it in the months that followed, I figured that would be just about the end of that.
And then she bought the movie for me as a Christmas gift.
Now what was I to do? What started as a bit of a laugh on Terrible Movie Night had turned into a game of one-upsmanship, a game which she evidently had mastered on the sly without telling me. So I began this series of blog posts as an attempt to raise the stakes even higher, but sadly it looks like this is one game I'm going to lose. So I guess I might as well tell her and oh my god, that's a dinosaur with a rocket launcher. I cannot even begin to tell you how awesome this is. The time-honored 'Period after each word' strategy does not even begin to do it justice. G.r.e.a.t.e.s.t. i.d.e.a. e.v.e.r. Think of the most awesome thing you can possibly think of. Now think of that thing getting blown up by a dinosaur wielding a rocket launcher. Not that I am necessarily calling the rest of this film the greatest thing ever (Though it's certainly moving in that direction now), but that is a reasonable approximation of what is happening on the television at the moment. In a movie as uninspired as this one, where did this genius come from? Well, let's start at the beginning.
Much as there are 55 dramatic situations usable by authors the world over, for years there have been attempts to precisely codify the possible animal-weapon combinations. As with most things, this began with Miguel Cervantes, who introduced the world to the concept by arming a horse with a lance-wielding buffoon in Don Quixote. And while this was certainly a ground-breaking beginning, there was clearly work to be done. This would be continued by Thomas Jefferson, who, in an attempt to better protect the populace, gave all Americans the right to an armed bear (Congress, feeling this could be dangerous, changed bear to buffalo, something that completely fails to help people now that the species has dwindled). Henry David Thoreau chimed in with Turtle Chainsaw Massacre, a book whose title he changed to Walden upon having it pointed out to him that it was unclear whether the turtles were the massacrers or the massacrees (It was the first). But scholars generally agree that the definitive work on the subject was provided by Carolyn Keene (Who knew? (Also, I'm not going to say who she is. You have Google. Look her up)) in 1951, when she officially submitted two lists to the world for consideration:
Finally, writers everywhere knew what options they had. By combining an entry from column one with one from column two, every possible animal-weapon combination was literally on the tip of their pen, waiting to be brought to life for consumption by the masses. And while I mean no disservice to Carolyn, one of these combinations is clearly better than the rest, as measured in sheer awesomeness. And it is sitting on the TV screen in front of me. And thus I shall boldly press on. Bravo, Dragon Wars. Bravo.
And then she bought the movie for me as a Christmas gift.
Now what was I to do? What started as a bit of a laugh on Terrible Movie Night had turned into a game of one-upsmanship, a game which she evidently had mastered on the sly without telling me. So I began this series of blog posts as an attempt to raise the stakes even higher, but sadly it looks like this is one game I'm going to lose. So I guess I might as well tell her and oh my god, that's a dinosaur with a rocket launcher. I cannot even begin to tell you how awesome this is. The time-honored 'Period after each word' strategy does not even begin to do it justice. G.r.e.a.t.e.s.t. i.d.e.a. e.v.e.r. Think of the most awesome thing you can possibly think of. Now think of that thing getting blown up by a dinosaur wielding a rocket launcher. Not that I am necessarily calling the rest of this film the greatest thing ever (Though it's certainly moving in that direction now), but that is a reasonable approximation of what is happening on the television at the moment. In a movie as uninspired as this one, where did this genius come from? Well, let's start at the beginning.
Much as there are 55 dramatic situations usable by authors the world over, for years there have been attempts to precisely codify the possible animal-weapon combinations. As with most things, this began with Miguel Cervantes, who introduced the world to the concept by arming a horse with a lance-wielding buffoon in Don Quixote. And while this was certainly a ground-breaking beginning, there was clearly work to be done. This would be continued by Thomas Jefferson, who, in an attempt to better protect the populace, gave all Americans the right to an armed bear (Congress, feeling this could be dangerous, changed bear to buffalo, something that completely fails to help people now that the species has dwindled). Henry David Thoreau chimed in with Turtle Chainsaw Massacre, a book whose title he changed to Walden upon having it pointed out to him that it was unclear whether the turtles were the massacrers or the massacrees (It was the first). But scholars generally agree that the definitive work on the subject was provided by Carolyn Keene (Who knew? (Also, I'm not going to say who she is. You have Google. Look her up)) in 1951, when she officially submitted two lists to the world for consideration:
Finally, writers everywhere knew what options they had. By combining an entry from column one with one from column two, every possible animal-weapon combination was literally on the tip of their pen, waiting to be brought to life for consumption by the masses. And while I mean no disservice to Carolyn, one of these combinations is clearly better than the rest, as measured in sheer awesomeness. And it is sitting on the TV screen in front of me. And thus I shall boldly press on. Bravo, Dragon Wars. Bravo.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
I: Beast Has Risen
Note: In the section of text following the colononical (Or whatever), I will be putting important words in all caps. This will help save time if you cannot spare the full 90 seconds it will take to read the whole thing, but still would like a sort of Clif's Notes. It will work much in the same way that the summary found at the end of each chapter in a science text is all you need to read to understand all the important points from that chapter, which enables you to complete your studying in a borderline-record minimum of time, and also to get a D. Additionally, abbreviations that are normally capitalized (i.e. - TV, DVD) will continue to be so. This may be confusing, but I don't really care.
It begins with a DVD case. This case typically sits on a shelf in my room (Note - Originally the first pronoun in this was 'you'. But then I remembered that I BLOODY HATE THE SECOND PERSON VOICE. I would like to take this opportunity to give it to horrible Jimmy Eat World songs. Though if we're (Collectively) lucky, they won't take me up on this), ignored most times when I have not been imbibing root BEERS. It is a case like any other, by which I mean made of plastic and full of a DVD. And that is all. You know how when you buy a DVD (Such as, say, Singing In The Rain) you open the case to find that the movie itself may actually be contained therein, but this is completely UNPROVABLE, as the case contains a chapter listing for the movie, a brief essay written about the movie, a 900-page booklet advertising similar movies you WILL ENJOY (Such as Saw IV), and coupons which will save you $5 if you buy said movie FOUR TIMES. Well, this movie is having none of that. The case itself is completely bare, excepting the disc itself, which may be easily removed due to the sage decision by Sony Entertainment to only ship it in BROKEN CASES that do not actually hold the disc in place. Fortunately, this is all made up for by the fact that the back of the disc is SHINY. This will turn out to be the high point of the film (Excepting, of course, the continual bits of special effects which can only be described as COMPLETE, CONCENTRATED AWESOMENESS). The disc is then inserted easily into an available DVD player, which in this case doubles as an XBOX, and it can be watched by turning on the television. Unfortunately, this is a major mistake. You see, I live in New York City. This puts numerous constraints upon my living space, especially considering that my room is a shared venture (Though not if my GRANDMOTHER asks me about it).Therefore, the bedroom TV is extremely small. It more than makes up for this, though, by alerting everyone who overlooks it due to its diminutive stature that it is, in fact, present and plugged in by emitting an 85-decibel HUM any time I am foolish enough to turn it on (This is in stark contrast to our living room TV, which has good sound quality, but a tragic inability to get brighter than, say, a typical hallway closet, sans open door or lightbulb). This requires me to turn the volume up much louder than I would like, which actually isn't that bad a thing, as it helps me to drown out the sound of whatever movie is playing in my roommate's (Also tastefully named Mike) room, which will invariably be at a volume audible from NEPAL or OUTER SPACE, whichever is farther away. And thus begins an epic adventure.
Well, not quite begins. You know how a Disney/Pixar production begins with that cute lamp that hops around for a while before the screen finally just says Pixar? Same thing here, except replace the lamp with a white version of the WALMART™ SMILY FACE with eyes like this: ^ ^. Eventually it TURNS INTO A BOX (Of course it does) and a disembodied voice announces 'Showbox.' Presumably this is the name of a company involved in the production. I don't
care enough to check. We then have the opening credits. They feature Asian-ish letters in front of a background that the artist named "INK BOTTLE SPILLED ON CANVAS. TIME TO GET NEW CANVAS." A woman's voice explains an ancient Korean legend, which is probably relevant but not overly interesting. It concerns a woman born every 500 years who can turn a SERPENT into a DRAGON. If the dragon is good, there is (Presumably) much rejoicing. If the dragon is bad, they make a CRAPPY MOVIE about it. Or something. I probably should have taken NOTES. Anyway, while telling the legend the voice repeatedly says "MIGHTY POWER". That's right, the movie is in English, yet still reads like a poorly dubbed KUNG FU film. Sweet. Special effects costing more than the entire script cause the screen to read D-WAR. And: Cut to helicopter in California.
Apparently, the director was hoping for some kind of crossover hit or something here, as the movie is in English and LA. Long story short, that effort FAILED. Also, this scene features an INDIAN yelling at POLICE OFFICERS that 'The beast has risen,' a grammatically correct sentence that they still managed to MISTRANSLATE when they named the chapters. There's been some kind of disaster, which is conveniently being covered by a newspaper reporter who doubles as our hero, a man who looks like KEANU REEVES but lacks the same RANGE OF EMOTION. He then does a voiceover about something important while staring at a JADE NECKLACE. Whatever. This necklace will probably be important later on, but I don't want to give the filmmakers that much credit. KEANU stares BLANKLY AHEAD, and the scene ends.
Next in Part Two: I struggle not to SWEAR.
It begins with a DVD case. This case typically sits on a shelf in my room (Note - Originally the first pronoun in this was 'you'. But then I remembered that I BLOODY HATE THE SECOND PERSON VOICE. I would like to take this opportunity to give it to horrible Jimmy Eat World songs. Though if we're (Collectively) lucky, they won't take me up on this), ignored most times when I have not been imbibing root BEERS. It is a case like any other, by which I mean made of plastic and full of a DVD. And that is all. You know how when you buy a DVD (Such as, say, Singing In The Rain) you open the case to find that the movie itself may actually be contained therein, but this is completely UNPROVABLE, as the case contains a chapter listing for the movie, a brief essay written about the movie, a 900-page booklet advertising similar movies you WILL ENJOY (Such as Saw IV), and coupons which will save you $5 if you buy said movie FOUR TIMES. Well, this movie is having none of that. The case itself is completely bare, excepting the disc itself, which may be easily removed due to the sage decision by Sony Entertainment to only ship it in BROKEN CASES that do not actually hold the disc in place. Fortunately, this is all made up for by the fact that the back of the disc is SHINY. This will turn out to be the high point of the film (Excepting, of course, the continual bits of special effects which can only be described as COMPLETE, CONCENTRATED AWESOMENESS). The disc is then inserted easily into an available DVD player, which in this case doubles as an XBOX, and it can be watched by turning on the television. Unfortunately, this is a major mistake. You see, I live in New York City. This puts numerous constraints upon my living space, especially considering that my room is a shared venture (Though not if my GRANDMOTHER asks me about it).Therefore, the bedroom TV is extremely small. It more than makes up for this, though, by alerting everyone who overlooks it due to its diminutive stature that it is, in fact, present and plugged in by emitting an 85-decibel HUM any time I am foolish enough to turn it on (This is in stark contrast to our living room TV, which has good sound quality, but a tragic inability to get brighter than, say, a typical hallway closet, sans open door or lightbulb). This requires me to turn the volume up much louder than I would like, which actually isn't that bad a thing, as it helps me to drown out the sound of whatever movie is playing in my roommate's (Also tastefully named Mike) room, which will invariably be at a volume audible from NEPAL or OUTER SPACE, whichever is farther away. And thus begins an epic adventure.
Well, not quite begins. You know how a Disney/Pixar production begins with that cute lamp that hops around for a while before the screen finally just says Pixar? Same thing here, except replace the lamp with a white version of the WALMART™ SMILY FACE with eyes like this: ^ ^. Eventually it TURNS INTO A BOX (Of course it does) and a disembodied voice announces 'Showbox.' Presumably this is the name of a company involved in the production. I don't
care enough to check. We then have the opening credits. They feature Asian-ish letters in front of a background that the artist named "INK BOTTLE SPILLED ON CANVAS. TIME TO GET NEW CANVAS." A woman's voice explains an ancient Korean legend, which is probably relevant but not overly interesting. It concerns a woman born every 500 years who can turn a SERPENT into a DRAGON. If the dragon is good, there is (Presumably) much rejoicing. If the dragon is bad, they make a CRAPPY MOVIE about it. Or something. I probably should have taken NOTES. Anyway, while telling the legend the voice repeatedly says "MIGHTY POWER". That's right, the movie is in English, yet still reads like a poorly dubbed KUNG FU film. Sweet. Special effects costing more than the entire script cause the screen to read D-WAR. And: Cut to helicopter in California.
Apparently, the director was hoping for some kind of crossover hit or something here, as the movie is in English and LA. Long story short, that effort FAILED. Also, this scene features an INDIAN yelling at POLICE OFFICERS that 'The beast has risen,' a grammatically correct sentence that they still managed to MISTRANSLATE when they named the chapters. There's been some kind of disaster, which is conveniently being covered by a newspaper reporter who doubles as our hero, a man who looks like KEANU REEVES but lacks the same RANGE OF EMOTION. He then does a voiceover about something important while staring at a JADE NECKLACE. Whatever. This necklace will probably be important later on, but I don't want to give the filmmakers that much credit. KEANU stares BLANKLY AHEAD, and the scene ends.
Next in Part Two: I struggle not to SWEAR.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Adventures In Anal Rententiveness
I'm sure most of you out there have, at one point or another, watched a bad movie. Odds are good it starred Eddie Murphy (Post-cocaine version). And that you did not enjoy the experience. But what of the elusive beast, the good bad movie? Here I am speaking of a movie which, while you watch it, is recognized as terrible by the brain, yet you remain enthralled. It is probable that alcoholic beverages of some kind are involved in this process. After many backbreaking seconds of hard research, I have determined some of the primary common characteristics shared by these lovable tragedies: 1) A terrible plot brought to fruition by actors and actresses who seem unaware of the stench emitting from the script. And 2) Way more special effects than are necessary. I am proud to say that I have in my possession a movie that succeeds admirably on both these counts. Behold, in all its glory:
It used to be called Dragon Wars, but after getting the bill
for the special effects they couldn't afford the extra letters.
A movie like this does not come along every day. It is a badly written, overproduced cinematic travesty, and deserves all the attention that should be foisted on films of its ilk. Which is why I shall now, whenever the mood strikes me, break it down scene by scene on this very blog. This is either the greatest idea ever, or the worst (I lean towards the first. The Official Girlfriend made a face that I presume indicates disagreement when I mentioned this idea to her). There is no middle ground. I would recommend drinking heavily while reading the recaps, as it might help get you in the right frame of mind. At the very least, this should be better than the actual movie.
It used to be called Dragon Wars, but after getting the bill
for the special effects they couldn't afford the extra letters.
A movie like this does not come along every day. It is a badly written, overproduced cinematic travesty, and deserves all the attention that should be foisted on films of its ilk. Which is why I shall now, whenever the mood strikes me, break it down scene by scene on this very blog. This is either the greatest idea ever, or the worst (I lean towards the first. The Official Girlfriend made a face that I presume indicates disagreement when I mentioned this idea to her). There is no middle ground. I would recommend drinking heavily while reading the recaps, as it might help get you in the right frame of mind. At the very least, this should be better than the actual movie.
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