Friday, December 24, 2010

VII: Another Chance

Voice-over: We'll be returning to our feature film in just a few short moments, but first, we'd like to take a moment to tell you about a product certain to replace Tickle Me Elmo and Canadian whiskey straight from the bottle as THE gift of the holiday season.

Man #1: Thanks Ed. Now, Brad, I don't know about you, but I often spend the weeks and months before Christmas standing in never-ending lines subsisting on pemmican waiting for the year's newest toy that my child absolutely needs to keep up the will to live, only to find out that they sold the last one to the woman in front of me in the line, and I get the feeling I'm not alone here. How often does this happen to you?

Man #2: Never, since I bought a gun.

Man #1: (Silence)

Man #2: Kidding! (Mouthing to camera: Not really kidding)

Man #1: I can see you, you know.

Man #2: Oh. Well Chad, now you'll never have to do that again, because we've got this holiday season's hottest gift right here, and you can get it shipped directly to your home for the low, low price of just 17 easy payments of $14.83!

Man #1: Wow! That is a low, low price! But enough about how good a deal this is, and it's certainly a good one. What's it for?

Man #2: I'm glad you asked. Chad, how often have you wanted to own your own dinosaur?

Man #1: Ever since I saw Jurassic Park!

Man #2: Are you mocking me? I can't tell. (Pause) Well, what if I told you we've got something even better than that. A dinosaur....

Man #1: Yes?

Man #2: With a rocket launcher!

Man #1: Wow! That sounds like such an amazing idea, I'm surprised Bill Gates hasn't already filed for a patent on it!

Man #2: Actually, he has. We took it (Mouthing to audience: The gun).

Man #1: Well, let's hope he doesn't press charges! But what kind of dinosaurs are we talking about here?

Man #2: With this introductory offer at the low, low price of just 14 easy payments of $19.85, we'll even let you pick the dinosaur!

V-O (Over shots of TOTALLY AWESOME dinosaurs with rocket launchers): That's right guys. You can get your very own rocket-wielding velociraptor! Or a Tyrannosaurus Rex! Or a brontosaurus with side-mounted missiles!

Man #1: What about my very own Maiosaurus?

Man #2: No, because that one's a pussy.

Man #1: (Sulks)

Man #2: Be the envy of what's left of your block! Get yourself a dinosaur with a rocket launcher today for just 182 easy payments of just $103.74! Heck, at that price get them for the whole family!

Man #1: I will, Chad! And I'm never standing in line again!

Man #2: Because your dinosaur will kill everyone in line?

Man #1: No, because people are going to order these to come in the mail. What is wrong with you?

V-O: So just call 1-900-AWESOME and don't check your monthly statements too closely! Satisfaction probable! We now return you to It's a Wonderful Life, already in progress.