Thursday, August 27, 2009

An Easy Call

While large contracts get all the attention, developing a talent base of cheap players for depth is a very important part of putting together a baseball team, and something Omar Minaya has overlooked during his time in New York all too often. But it's never too late to start, as Matt Murton is currently available for free (He was DFA'd by the Rockies, who are absolutely loaded with outfielders). Murton is hardly going to make the big splash that Minaya seems to feel is a New York necessity, but what he will do is prevent the Mets from having to play, say, Fernando Tatis. And that can only be a positive for them. Murton has a long body of work showing that he can get on-base (Career MLB OBP of .353 in over 1,000 plate appearances), hit for a very limited amount of power (.438 slugging), and play good defense in left field (As opposed to, say, the Daniel Murphy Experience). He is making the league minimum salary for next year as well as this, which is a bonus for the suddenly cash-strapped Mets. So let's do it, Omar. Up until this point you have been fairly to very bad at your job, but there's still time. Go out and make this happen. Because I know you're going to read this post.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Actual Good Music

I know it might be occasionally hard to remember that such a thing exists if you read only my various rantings from the last month (Which, let's be honest, is all anyone ever needs to read). Here is a fine example of it, provided by New Zealand's finest, complete with a sexy dance:

Just as a warning, while the lyrics contain no naughty words, they are about adult themes. Also, they are wonderful.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Mind-Boggling Stupidity

John Kruk, speaking about Tim Lincecum: "If you look at stats, which I try not to do". Allow me to state this clearly: Statistics are a measure of what happens on a baseball field. John Kruk is a lead baseball analyst on the biggest sports network in the world. Essentially, what he is saying here is that he doesn't try to do his job, and allow me to respond for the rest of the world when I say that we can tell.

Update - Throughout the rest of the program, John proceeded to mention team ERA's multiple times as well as other things that sounded remarkably like stats. If I didn't know any better, I might think John Kruk is an idiot.

Saturday, August 15, 2009

A Short Play Inspired By Cobra Starship

Firstly, if you aren't familiar with the song in question, here's the music video. Sorry about the MTV things taking up valuable on-screen space.


Girl, Good
5 Best Friends (Hers) - Interchangeable

Act I

Girl - It sure is fun hanging out in the corner at a club.

A Best Friend - What?

Girl - Nevermind.

Guy - Hey there. Do you want to go bad?

Girl - No.

Guy - Are you sure?

Girl - Now that you mention it, not so much. Hang on. (Turns to A Best Friend) What do you think of this guy?

A Best Friend - I don't know. He looks kind of creepy.

A Best Friend - And what's that thing he's doing with his voice when he sings the word 'bad'?

A Best Friend - How come we can hear each other over the music now?

Others - Shut up.

Girl - What you're saying is true, but he makes me want to lose control.

Guy - That's right I do.

A Best Friend - Oh, that's all right then. It certainly doesn't sound like you've been roofied. Go on. We'll hang out in the corner without you.

Girl - Thanks!

Act 2 (Call and response)

Guy - I should probably let you know that I'm a convicted sex offender.

Girl - That's okay because I've been roofied.

Guy - This probably violates my terms of parole.

Girl - That's okay because I don't plan on seeing you after tonight.

Guy - So everybody wins?

Girl - Unless your P.O. finds out.

Both - Yay!

Act 3

A Best Friend - Where'd Girl go?

A Best Friend - Who?

A Best Friend - Whatever.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

An Important Question

In what is rapidly becoming pop music month around these parts, I present another quick post. I recently found myself listening to 'This Kiss' by probably Faith Hill due to reasons beyond my control, and realized that one way she describes said kiss during the chorus is that it's criminal. Does this mean that the participants are related?

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Further Evidence of the Decline of Western Civilization

The hit single "Knock You Down" by Keri Hilson (Who? I don't know) features a guest appearance by a rapper who actually says "OMG". Just like that. OMG. For those of you who are not into the whole 'text messaging' thing, or the 'sounding like an idiot' thing, OMG means Oh My God. Which is the same number of syllables. Exactly three. I just counted. Meaning it would not have thrown off the beat of the line at all. The children are our future, and that is why I hope to die young.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

203 Seconds of Hell: Waking Up In Vegas

At the moment I am working an hour and a half from where I reside, a situation that occasionally has me listening to the radio stations whenever VPR goes to a pledge drive or something like that. Sometimes this is a bad idea. For example, when the song being played is the latest from Desmond Child (Writer of both 'Livin' La Vida Loca' and the reprehensible 'Who Let the Dogs Out?'. He deserves some kind of anti-lifetime achievement award), Waking Up In Vegas, as sung by Katy Perry through a computer autotune program. This song is all over the pop airwaves right now, presumably due to some combination of money and/or sexual favors given to radio producers by Perry, Child or Perry's record label. Possibly all of the above. Because good God is this song terrible.

It kicks off with the sound of a carefully-processed bit of feedback, to let you know that we are now going to RAWK! Then the guitars promptly begin to chime rather than squall, just to let you know that things aren't going to actually challenge any of your sensibilities, and either a person does an excellent job of imitating a drum machine or Katy Perry's backing music is the beginning of the long-feared Robot Apocalypse. May they kill her first. Speaking of Perry, this is the time that what the autotune has left of her voice enters the mix, sitting at a much higher level than her vocal cords merit. I am going to reprint the line that closes the first verse exactly as it appears in the song (Without label permission. I didn't ask):

We need a taxi 'cause you're
Hung over and I'm broke.

One of these is not related to needing a taxi. Can you spot it? Anyway, these and other similarly aggressively sub-moronic lyrics get belted out (For example, right after this she talks about losing her fake ID. She is 24 years old), some of them accompanied by this terrible warbling thing the computer does to Perry's voice, all of which makes the veins in my forehead stand out a bit (This song makes me need oatmeal, I think). Then we get the chorus:

Shut up and put your money where your mouth is
That's what you get for waking up in Vegas
Get up and shake the glitter off your clothes now
That's what you get for waking up in Vegas

Barring people (Possibly short, magical ones) breaking into your room while you sleep and dousing your garments with sequins (A possibility in Vegas, I suppose), these lines make absolutely no sense whatsoever. If Perry really is chastising people for failing to heed her warnings of mischievous sparkling elves, I will retract all the statements contained in this post. Because that would be awesome. Anyway, the song continues to go from here, with Perry caterwauling nonsense and androids playing completely featureless background music. The end result is, to my knowledge, the first song ever written to specifically cash in on a successful marketing campaign (Or at least the first since Paul McCartney and Wings recorded 'Ring Around the Collar'). The sole purpose of this song is to ride the coattails of the 'What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas' campaign, milking a bit of cash out of the army of gullible morons that is the general public in the process. Money that will presumably be used to arm the robots. It is a complete failure in every possible sense of the word, and everyone involved in its creation and production should be ashamed of him/herself. Tragically, I suspect their bank accounts are increased because of it, and for them, that means that they have succeeded.

Note(s) - If you wish to assault both your eyes and ears simultaneously, the music video can be found here. It is, amazingly, almost as bad as the song. And while doing a bit of research for this post (A very minimal amount of it), I found Allmusic's review of Katy Perry's album. It is wonderful, and can be found here. They seem to share my opinion, but are even angrier about Katy's continued existence. I love them.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Sunday, August 2, 2009

21 Guns

The new Green Day single (Which doubles as the title of this post) is now out. And the vocal melody during the verses is the same as the melody to Heart of Gold by Neil Young. Honestly, Green Day. Did you think we wouldn't notice?