Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Mel Kiper Watch

For those of you who don't know, Mel Kiper is an excitable man with plastic hair who spends the entire calendar year covering the NFL draft for ESPN. Needless to say, by the time the draft actually happens Mel is in a frenzy so complete that one of these years his hair will catch fire. After the draft, Mel grades how all the teams did, at which point ESPN staffers unplug him and store him in the basement in Bristol until next year. Mel has one day (Alright, the draft goes for two days. Whatever) he lives for, one single day in which to offer all the insight he has gained to us, the unwashed masses. So let's see how the teams did this year, broken down by letter grade:

A: 1
A-: 1
B+: 5
B: 8
B-: 3
C+: 6
C: 4
C-: 2
D: 2

The NFL Draft: Where everyone is above-average! Mel's actual quote about the Oakland Raiders, one of the teams to get the lowest grade, a D: The only reason Oakland didn't receive an F is because they did get some players. I am not making that quote up. The only way to receive an F from Mel is to sit in your seat and refuse to hand the comissioner an envelope with a name in it when he calls on you. And, finally, Mel Kiper has been analyzing the NFL draft for ESPN since 1984. And everyone gets a gold star! See you next year, Mel!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

The Finale (Not of this blog)

So tomorrow is moving day. Unfortunately, no one wants to live in our (Myself and the Official Girlfriend. Not multiple personalities. This time) crazily-priced apartment, meaning I will have to come back here to work for the month of May so that we (same) don't go bankrupt. Suck. Anyway, the original plan had Friday being my final day, so I decided to go out with a flourish. Said flourish is presented below, with no changes. So if it sounds like you personally are not the target audience at any point, rest assured that this is true.

Here we go.

I like to think of myself as a kind and benevolent person (I suspect this is hardly a unique thing on my part. Guerilla rebel leaders/dictators aside, most people probably don't like to think of themself as someone willing to crush anyone in their way to get what they desire. Unless, of course, that person is on a reality television program). And a large part of this can be shown by my desire to leave behind something better than what I found when I arrived. As I am moving Sunday, I have spent a good amount of the week pondering this problem, and I have come up with a plan which I would like to lay out here. As all of you know, Macy's is in something of a transitional phase at the moment, as the company reshapes itself to respond to the changing environments of both the workplace and the market, with the changes occurring primarily being motivated by the age-old desire to maximize profits while minimizing costs, the very core of business philosophy (At least as far as I know. I'm a history major with an english minor). In an attempt to improve the company's success, I have come up with a two-part plan that will help Macy's thrive on into the forseeable future; perhaps in time achieving global market dominance, depending on how they implement it. I now will lay this plan out to you chosen few, my sounding board.

1: Fire all security personnel. This is a regrettable reduction in workforce, but unfortunately it must be done to implement the following step.

2: Replace them with dinosaurs with rocket launchers.

The benefits of this are apparent to all of you, I am sure, first and foremost being that it would be COMPLETELY AWESOME. If you think Macy's is a must-see location now, imagine when it has a rocket launcher-wielding T-Rex inside. Kids love dinosaurs, and they will be lining up to visit Macy's once this happens. What's that little Billy? Mom's going shopping and dreading every moment of it because of how you behave once you enter the store with her? Well, no one blames you for that. After all, shopping is boring. Or at least it used to be. But today, Mom's taking you to Macy's. Wouldn't that make a great commercial? Maybe I should send this to the advertising department too. One of the major problems faced by any retail operation is a reduction in profits due to theft. Or at least that is a problem anywhere else. Not at Macy's with the new security force. Do you want to explain to the T-Rex how that pair of sunglasses ended up in your pocket? I don't think so. And those people who come inside just to browse and then leave without buying anything? Simply put, they have no value to the company. But imagine them trying to leave without a Macy's bag in their hands as the Velociraptor at the door hisses at them, rocket launcher strapped to his back. I think they'll be making a purchase. This would send company profits through the roof.

Now I know there will be naysayers out there, making criticisms like 'Dinosaurs don't, technically, exist' or 'The dinosaurs will eat the customers'. To these people I say that those who can't do become critics, and have no value to our society. But soon they will. As to the first criticism, it may very well be true that dinosaurs do not exist, or it may be true (As has been posited) that they just hide really well. Either way, I am not a scientist. I am an idea man. Let the scientists get the dinosaurs ready for us. And as to the second one, the dinosaurs won't think to eat the customers (Probably. Maybe we should ask a scientist just to be sure) if they're not hungry. So, to keep them well-fed, we'll let them eat the aforementioned critics. It'll be a perfect, utopian, dinosaurs-with-rocket-launchers led department store of the future! As someone who saw the first 20 minutes of Jurassic Park, I am absolutely certain that nothing can go wrong here. I don't know if it counts as insider trading or not (Again, the history/english thing), but I would advise buying Macy's stock now, because as soon as the first wave of dinosaurs hits the main floor, that stock is going through the roof. And then, both as a company and as individuals, our future will be so bright that we'll have to wear rocket-proof shields.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Awesome Graphics

During Sunday night's NBA playoff game between the Miami Heat and the Atlanta Hawks, just after halftime, TNT decided to drop some distilled wisdom on we, the general viewing public. As the quarter started, the screen showed "TNT's World of Warcraft (Yes! Really!) Keys to the Game: Miami Heat. Key 1: Someone else needs to show up." Seriously. That was the key. TNT evidently has a lot of faith in the Heat. And since the Hawks were winning 62-39 at the time, perhaps they were correct.

Comment time: Who do you think they were thinking would need to show up? I'll go with Butch Cassidy. At least it makes more sense than the graphic.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Carl Pavano: A Timeline

January 8, 1976: Born.

January 9, 1976: Cries too hard, strains rib muscle.

July 10, 1982: Falls off bicycle, breaks collarbone.

September 21, 1983: Eats tainted paste in art class. Food poisoning.

February 3, 1992: Buys first car. Runs over own foot.

May 21, 1994: Just standing there. Collapsed lung.

Later in 1994: Drafted by the Boston Red Sox. Shakes hands with club president. Crushed pinky finger.

July 5th, 1996: Oversleeps and misses team bus. Presumed dead.

Mid-1998: Called up to the major leagues by the Montreal Expos. Cries tears of joy over achieving a lifelong dream. Detached optical nerve.

Late 1998: Gives up Mark McGwire's 70th home run of the year. Bruised ego.

Januard 23rd, 2000: Explores Montreal. Frostbite.

2002: Traded to Florida Marlins. Heatstroke.

August 5th, 2003: Explores Everglades, known for its vast population of mosquitoes. Malaria.

2005: Wins 18 games, becomes a free agent. Signs 4 year, $39.95 million deal with the New York Yankees. Strains tendon in wrist while signing. Blames non-ergonomic pen.

Later 2005: Strained shoulder. To the disabled list!

Spring Training, 2006: Bruised buttocks. DL (This one is true).

August 15th, 2006: Breaks two ribs in an auto accident. He doesn't inform the team for two weeks. This leads to the Yankees hiring a private investigator to try to find some dirt on Pavano that will allow them to void his contract. The investigator fails, but still has a higher VORP than Pavano on the year.

May 23, 2007: Tommy John surgery.

October 2008: Becomes a free agent having pitched a total of 26 games for the Yankees over the previous 4 years. Slips on banana peel. Bruised buttocks again.

April 19, 2009: Starts against the Yankees for his new team, the Cleveland Indians. Has a perfect game going through 3 innings. Head falls off.

Day of the Dead: Comes back as zombie. Chainsaw.

Great Halftime Shows

Here's this:

It's Ashlee Simpson performing live at the Orange Bowl in 2005. I saw this live on the telly. It was great. Anyway, this was the most booing of anyone I've ever heard until about three minutes from now, when Carl Pavano is going to take the mound in New Yankee Stadium.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Lappy 586

So, lot's of things going on, but none of them have been blog-related. You may have noticed. Anyway, I'm moving in a week or so, which is extremely sudden and has been taking up a lot of my attention and/or free time. However, more importantly for these purposes, the high-performance machine that is my laptop recently began emitting smoke along with the occasional sparks, which for obvious reasons has ended its career as anything other than ballast. So in response to this, I now have less money and an i key. That works, hopefully.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Gone Apartment Hunting

By the time you read this, I will be in a car heading to Burlington. Why? Because I figured out how to schedule posts. So here is the only man with vocal stylings more aurally soothing than those of Captain Kirk. Enjoy.