Friday, April 30, 2010

Bad Romance

Music video breakdown time by request! Hooray! Anyway, Lady Gaga is a famous individual who has worked very hard to reach her current celebrity status via a two-pronged plan which I imagine went something like this:

1. Sing obnoxious songs.
2. Wear ridiculous things in public.

There may have been another step involving a pact with Satan. I'm not sure on that point. But regardless of possible demonic involvement (Welcome to my blog, hardcore Christian crazy conspiracy theorists!), I think we can all agree on one thing: If she didn't have the word 'lady' in her stage name, no one would be entirely sure. Come to think of it, I'm still not.

If you care, here's a link to the video. I will not be embedding it due to the fact that I have some standards. If you care about this sort of thing, be forewarned that it features some naughty language and very minimal amounts of clothing.

0:01 - It begins in a room from THE FUTURE. Said room features the entire cast of 'A Clockwork Orange' made over by the flamboyantly gay guy on America's Next Top Model. Not that I've seen that show. Let's move on.

0:06 - Zoom in on our heroine, wearing a glittery failed origami project and a pair of square sunglasses which have eaten her entire face, which is really for the best.

0:12 - She has part of a screen window on each fingernail. Of course she does.

0:32 - Oh god, the sounds! Please make them stop!

0:44 - Oh wow. Five or so people who seem to be David Bowie from Labyrinth wrapped head to toe in opaque white plastic have climbed out of pods in the Gaga Bath Haus and are now dancing or having seizures or something. This is simultaneously slightly disturbing and rather hilariously terrible. The video, I mean. Not the song. The song is solely the latter, but with only one adjective. I'll let you pick which one. Also, no word yet on how many transmittable diseases the Haus features. I'll let you know when I do.

1:29 - The lights in the Haus have been turned on. Any time they'd like to turn them back off is fine with me.

1:40 - And someone just ripped off Gaga's shirt. I need a beer. And to unsee all this. Sweet, sweet alcohol. Nectar of forgetting.

2:00 - And now she is evidently an extra from Where the Wild Things Are.

2:03 - Her clothes got torn off again. Can they stop doing that, please? I volunteer to staple them onto her, if that will help.

2:05 - MY CHIN IS MADE ENTIRELY OF METAL

2:33 - Please make her wear something. And I don't mean the lampshade she has on her head. Please. Anyone.

2:43 - Hairless cat. More or less terrifying? Hmmmmmm......

2:50 - The glasses have been replaced by eye makeup of equal volume. How I miss the glasses.

3:06 - Now she is an underwear model surrounded by hovering diamonds. This makes less sense than Eraserhead.

3:12 - Seizure dance! Seizure dance! No, in all seriousness, it doesn't look like a seizure. It looks like they're trying to do a modern interpretation of how a Tyrannosaurus Rex grabbed onto anything with its tiny arms.

3:20 - Human shiny gyroscope thing in her underwear. I wonder why that superhero never caught on. At least she has large sunglasses on again. Life is about the small victories.

3:30 - Time for the breakdown! So of course she is wearing a sparkly bodysuit made of lizard skin that puffs out around her hips for no apparent reason. Somewhere a fashion designer is thoroughly blotto on her coin laughing hysterically.

3:37 - Also, her hair seems to be modeled on SNL's own 'Coneheads'.

3:45 - I AM WEARING A POLAR BEAR! SUCK IT, PETA!

4:13 - Polar bear-wearing woman and metal chin man. A match made in heaven. Please say everyone involved in the production of this music video is sterile. Please. I'm begging you.

4:26 - Fire! Take two steps to your left, please.

4:30-4:57 - I just... I don't... No.

4:58 - Lights out! Hooray!

5:05 - And her bra is shooting sparks while she lies strung out and smoking on a cemetery plot next to a skeleton. This is actually an improved look for her.

In conclusion, I would like to ask a question: Amy, why do you evidently hate me?

5 comments:

UncleRick said...

My eyes! My ears! My brain! Auugghh!!! Bad video...bad song...bad Gaga!!! This is why we should have stopped Madonna back in 1984 when we still had the chance! We can only hope someone is working on a time machine and will go back to rectify our oversight! My God! Is this truly what music has come to? Please, Mike, more baseball blogs...

Amy and Fat B said...

oh i thoroughly enjoyed this. parts that made me laugh so hard that Cat raised his head to disapprovingly glare at me with his ears back include "my chin is made entirely of metal" and "SUCK IT PETA!". However, you forgot the part about how she pushes the button to start all the nonsense at the beginning (with her screen-adorned finger) and then acts completely shocked when the nonsense begins a second later. That's a personal favorite. Why can't i stop watching this?

Cindi Lynn said...

I cannot condone your hatred. I think she's seriously on to something, which is this: I believe she knows exactly how ridiculous this all is (if she didn't, she'd be stupid), and I think she's manipulating the masses who don't realize that it's way weirder than they actually can handle to buy her albums, and she's manipulating me to believe she's a genius. Have you seen the video for Telephone with Beyonce?? There's a pussy wagon.

your mom said...

This piece was very well written and had your Anut and I giggling at your sarcastic wit in many places. We were too afraid to view the video, though, (something we'll be very glad for through many future nightmare-less nights, I'm sure!) as your description made it all too vivid in our minds!
Isaac and I want to know how long there's been a draft in here. Or is it in your mind? Duct tape can fix anything.
@Rick: I still say you need your own blog. I'd read it!
@Amy: I hope you've stopped watching. Viewing the Gaga can make you sterile :(

your mom said...

I haven't seen the Gaga's version, but I did find this whilst web-surfing just now: http://comedy.video.yahoo.com/

When I cut and paste to my browser, it takes me directly to the "Bad Romance" performance of an a capella college group. If you only get the comedy videos site, I'm sure you could search for the desired video. I'm sure I prefer it to the one you've critiqued here! Enjoy :)