The time is finally almost upon us. So let's do this thing superlatives style, like your old high school yearbook. Anything you want explained, fire away in the comments. And rest assured that 75% of this will be wrong, as baseball features a very healthy portion of luck. Fortunately, I am a complete genius. Let's start big.
2009 World Series Champion - Boston Red Sox.
NL Champ - The Chicago Cubs. Best team in the lesser league by far last year, fluky playoff loss notwithstanding.
AL Champ - This seems self-evident, considering the first item.
AL Playoff Teams (Three division winners plus the wild card team) - Red Sox, Indians, A's, Rays.
NL Playoff Teams (Same) - Mets, Cubs, Dodgers, Phillies. Nothing fun here. the NL is boring. But man, do I find myself hating both the Phillies and the Mets this year. No depth for either team.
AL MVP - I don't really like anyone to win this. Let's call it a 300-way tie between everyone. At gunpoint, I guess I'd make Teixeira the preseason favorite. May a pitch hit his wrist.
NL MVP - Pujols. Say his name out loud. It's fun.
AL Cy Young - Whoever gets the most wins, even though they mean almost nothing.
NL Cy Young - Same. But an NL pitcher.
AL Rookie of the Year - Wieters. Crapshoot.
NL ROY - Andrew McCutcheon. Because Nate McLouth is REALLY bad at center field.
Combined Starts, CC Sabathia and AJ Burnett - 35. I keep hearing about the power of prayer. Might as well give it a try.
Biggest Decline, Win Column - Los Angeles Angels.
Number of those wins attributable to losing K-Rod - 1. Closers don't matter much. Deal with it.
Honorable Mention, Two Categories Up - Houston Astros. Now, all I did here was pick the two teams that walloped their Pythagorean Record last year. Safe? Yes. Deal with it. Any way, last year the Astros overperformed by 9 games and still only won 86. Also, their average batter's age is the oldest in the NL. Average pithcher's age: Also oldest in the NL. But at least they have the worst farm system in baseball! If you know an Astros fan, give them a hug.
Biggest Gain, Win Column - Seattle Mariners.
Best Division Race - AL West. It's gonna be good.
Team dumb enough to trade for Carlos Silva after the Mariners' improved defense makes him look competent - LA Dodgers. Yeah Snakeskin Boots Coletti!
Odds Of Bill Plaschke Liking the Trade - 80%. 100% if they throw in Kemp and Loney.
Odds of my relationship surviving the season - 65%
Odds of my girlfriend reading this - 20%
Percent of me that hopes she doesn't - 70%
Prospect I've Latched Onto For No Comprehensible Reason - Wilfredo Boscan, RHP, Texas Ranger.
Team talking heads are predicting will be 'This year's Rays' that will make those pundits look very, very stupid - The KC Royals. Their offseason moves have been awful, and now people think they'll be better? What? Why?
Team That Will Be This Year's Rays - None. It doesn't happen every year, you know.
Things Jason Varitek will not do - Make his pitchers better, hit.
First Pitcher To Have Tommy John Surgery, Regular Season - Ricky Nolasco. Too many curveballs.
Odds That I'll Post More Of These As I Think Of Them - 100%. Let's do this.